I wish I could remember a fraction of the great one liners I hear regularly at live comedy shows. See also Would you rather.

• In reference to his ex girlfriend (at a comedy rap battle): “A night with her is like a pint of Tennents, absolutely no head and a slight aftertaste of metal”
• “I've been depressed for a few years. Ever since I coached a swimming team back in college for a big race. I said 'Everybody, today I want you to all swim like you have have before!' A lotta people died that day”
• “My girlfriend has Vajazzles. She's put on a lot of weight recently. It looks a bit like someone kicked in a disco ball.”